Happy New Year.

10:45 pm New Year's Eve
"Okay put in the movie, and make sure you watch the clock so we can switch it over in time to watch the ball drop."
"Yeah, sure mom. That's easy enough"

12:37 am New Year's Day
I look up over at the clock and glance at the time with glared eyes. Its out second movie of the evening, and mom had to pick a chick flick to go first. Thank god I picked a more entertaining movie, otherwise I wouldn't be able to keep my eyes open. This couch is way to comfy. Can you buy a couch that is too comfy? I really like Narnia flicks...oh crap.
"Um, mom?"
"hmm?" Her eyes never leave the television screen. I guess that's what my uncle gets for buying the flat screen and surround sound stereo, a technological miracle for our house.
"Happy New Year."
"What?! Oh crap, should we call your grandmother still."
"I would say not. Its too late."
"Oh, and we missed the ball drop."
"There is always next year. No worries."
She growns. That's the end of the conversation. The lastest chapter in Narnia plays on.
(I still think the couch has a potential for being too comfy..)

Happy Year Year to the masses.

70 Facts about Me .. Right now!!

1. I'm sitting in Terri's room.
2. I am suppose to be studying
3. Writing this seems more natural to me right now.
4. I'm functioning on three hours of sleep
5. I don't really feel tired
6. I am worried about passing my French 2 final
7. This is the second time I have taken French 2
8. I don't want to go home
9. I don't want to work
10. I don't want to see my dad
11. I just want to sleep and maybe see the sun
12. I really need some wine
13. I wish I didn't have to be an RA next semester
14. I'm glad that I'm going to be an RA next semester, so that I get a chance to say goodbye
15. I can't wait for Terri to be my roommate
16. I'm scared that we won't work out
17. I'm wearing a skirt with tights and no socks
18. Its fucking cold outside, and I'm insane for wearing this outfit
19. I'm worried what I will do without my psychatrist for a month
20. I'm worried that reading won't work as my defense mechanism
21. I need a lot of things
22. I'm not going to ask for them for Christmas
23. I'm going to miss my brother for Christmas
24. I don't like that he can't come home
25. I understand why he can't come home
26. Stripes make me look fat
27. I love wearing blue
28. I love wearing scarves and sweaters
29. Cold air stings in my lungs
30. I've smoked a cigarette before.
31. Pedicures make me giggle
32. My eyes are changing in this winter sun
33. I have to move soon
34. Moving is a pain in my ass
35. I think I make my mom upset
36. I don't want to make her sad
37. I think I'm broken
38. Bush can't get out of the White House sooner in my opinion
39. I wish I could save everyone
40. If I could read for a profession, I would 
41. I would be really happy with that profession, until I got bored
42. I want to see Kentucky for Spring Break
43. When I go home, I want to sleep for a while
44. I miss Dr. Turturro
45. The thing I want/need for Christmas is a bike seat and a wireless mouse
46. I wish I could be a vampire
47. I wish I didn't feel so lonely
48. I want some shrimp
49. I think ice cubes are just a short cut to making things cold and that's ridiculous
50. I like making To-Do Lists on green post-its
51. Kix with bananas are my favorite cereal food
52. I wish I didn't know about my biological mom
53. I wish I could meet her
54. I wouldn't ever say that out loud, cause that would hurt my mom's feelings
55. I don't know what kind of person I am
56. I don't really know what I want to accomplish with my life
57. I want to have a lot of kids
58. I still don't know what type of guy I prefer
59. I think if anything, it would be the needy guy
60. I have to go to a museum party
61. I have no idea what one does at a museum party
62. I'm scared of going because it breaks out of my comfort zone
63. I forgot to take my anxiety medication yesterday
64. I wish I could give birth to a child
65. Fat is what I see when I look in the mirror
66. I like making pancakes
67. I love ace venture pet dectective cause Jim Carey makes me laugh
68. i forget how to really laugh when my brother isn't around, when Terri isn't around
69. Living isn't simple in my mind
70. Dying isn't as easy as it look, I tried that

Breathing Down My Neck

Its that time again. The cool burns as you breathe hard, running to your final. 

It really is that time of year again. My hair is in a messy bun to be blunt. Eyes heavy with weight two decades older that my license states. Pillows surround me to keep me in a permanent sitting upright position. All to make sure that I can't, won't fall asleep. Time doesn't allow for that, when finals are breathing down your neck. 

In good conscience I should be studying right now. Three tests, and a couple of days to spare. I hope that's the way I continue to see. But knowing me the break down will happen in the eleventh hour. Then there will be nothing left to do but to cry, watching my world fall apart. 

Its what happens when finals are breathing down my neck. The paper of questions, takes on a life of its own. Demeaning, and questioning our existence in college; whether we really deserve to occupy the space in the class, in the world. And the seconding guessing comes really easy then. The flood of emotions and isolation sweeping over us, as we push ourselves. Trying to think confidently that we know the material, the we can pass, we can prove out professor wrong.

Its what happens when you have finals breathing down your neck. 

Its a lot harder

Knowing for a fact that I'm not ready. Knowing for a fact I'm bruised and broken. Understanding that I want to be fixed before I'm held. Knowing that my energy and my time is limited. Knowing that I can't make room, I can't make promises. Knowing that I'm just a shell. Knowing that I cling to the comfort of a book more than the arms of a man.

Knowing I can't...

I still want it at 1 am, when I can't sleep. I want to be comforted by the touch of another. I want to recognize that I stay still with someone. I want be intertwined and breathing slowly. I want to know that he won't slip through my fingers. 

Even when I have this tendency to push them into slipping. 

I want to be ready and I want to be sane. 

Knowing what it takes to be complete is a lot harder to me. 

Its a lot harder . 

To Do Lists

Today I had to add google calendar and my desktop calendar in aid to my schedule book I carry with me. It was a low point when paper To Do lists and scheduled plans in pen and paper were being lost. My friends forgotten in work that plagues, and numerous appointments forgotten among assignments. I've lost my way in judging what is sane and what isn't, when it comes to my scheduling. 15 minutes is enough time for lunch, and 10 minutes become enough time to walk across a campus 20 minutes long. All to keep it together, for the schedule.

Sitting here writing, I sometimes forget that I'm suppose to be gone already. Rushing off to the next thing that might keep me focused, that might keep me sane. The reasoning I guess for the combination of the calendars here on my desktop and in the world wider web. I'll never be able to forget, no matter the computer I'm at. For survival, if I'm not in my room, I'll log onto google before anything else. Keep the anxiety at bay. 

I'll still use my peaceful, but urgent green post-it notes. There is something that hangs in the balance by listing the things that need be done. Its paper I can hold and cross off. Its also determination to not loose this one piece of paper, and by doing so holding my day together. 

It's just one piece, one part. 

Me time.

I can't remember the last time that I slept in all honesty. Eyes close and I lay very still under covers wanting rest to come. In fact I wait for it very patiently, holding to pillows and willing it to come faster.

It never comes.

"You need to create more me time, Terra. That's the only way you will be able go through life," said Mom over tea and a roll.

It's the morning before Thanksgiving. My chief of a cousin looking over the two bacon covered turkeys in the kitchen. He is the last person in the world that I want to hear this conversation.

"Me time."

Not only does it sound pathetic but it sounds like something I deserve to be mocked for.
I'm going to get mocked for this.

Its 3 AM, and I curled into a ball. My gut is in a terrible amount of pain.
Then my phone rings. My best friend is lonely waiting by the computer for the long distance boyfriend to make contact.

We talk to comfort her.

The conference room's long table is the most intimidating. He talks to me not like I'm crazy or deserves a mental hospital. I more of a challenge.

He asks me why I work so hard. Why I have two jobs and two many classes.

Idol hands are the devil's playthings. Keep working and keep moving, don't think how much is spent away.

I'm more of a challenge to be made a person whole.
He tells me I'm going to have to make more alone time for myself.

I can't see alone time.

5 AM and I'm still curled into a pillow, waiting for sleep to come. It won't though. I'm missing out on too much. My eyes in a permanent red state, still looking out to the world.

"Me time"
It's worthless thing. It's unseen in this world.

Flip A Coin

Flip a coin, and try to decide.
On one side I've got my sleeping babe. She says everything I'm afraid to say. She knows everything that I've ever thought of. Even though we don't know everything. We trust each other most of the time to keep steady.

I think I'm depend on her.

She give me the daily smiles, and the frowns. She lets me know that its okay to feel lost.
She's lost too.

On the other side. The confident path I once traught. Their determined faces, was once my own. Now I'm lost in their plans. I love them. But Im not them any more. Even though they want me to stay. Even though I do stay.

So flip a coin. To find to I stay with either. To a live lost, until I'm ready. Or do I push to hard to break.