70 Facts about Me .. Right now!!

1. I'm sitting in Terri's room.
2. I am suppose to be studying
3. Writing this seems more natural to me right now.
4. I'm functioning on three hours of sleep
5. I don't really feel tired
6. I am worried about passing my French 2 final
7. This is the second time I have taken French 2
8. I don't want to go home
9. I don't want to work
10. I don't want to see my dad
11. I just want to sleep and maybe see the sun
12. I really need some wine
13. I wish I didn't have to be an RA next semester
14. I'm glad that I'm going to be an RA next semester, so that I get a chance to say goodbye
15. I can't wait for Terri to be my roommate
16. I'm scared that we won't work out
17. I'm wearing a skirt with tights and no socks
18. Its fucking cold outside, and I'm insane for wearing this outfit
19. I'm worried what I will do without my psychatrist for a month
20. I'm worried that reading won't work as my defense mechanism
21. I need a lot of things
22. I'm not going to ask for them for Christmas
23. I'm going to miss my brother for Christmas
24. I don't like that he can't come home
25. I understand why he can't come home
26. Stripes make me look fat
27. I love wearing blue
28. I love wearing scarves and sweaters
29. Cold air stings in my lungs
30. I've smoked a cigarette before.
31. Pedicures make me giggle
32. My eyes are changing in this winter sun
33. I have to move soon
34. Moving is a pain in my ass
35. I think I make my mom upset
36. I don't want to make her sad
37. I think I'm broken
38. Bush can't get out of the White House sooner in my opinion
39. I wish I could save everyone
40. If I could read for a profession, I would 
41. I would be really happy with that profession, until I got bored
42. I want to see Kentucky for Spring Break
43. When I go home, I want to sleep for a while
44. I miss Dr. Turturro
45. The thing I want/need for Christmas is a bike seat and a wireless mouse
46. I wish I could be a vampire
47. I wish I didn't feel so lonely
48. I want some shrimp
49. I think ice cubes are just a short cut to making things cold and that's ridiculous
50. I like making To-Do Lists on green post-its
51. Kix with bananas are my favorite cereal food
52. I wish I didn't know about my biological mom
53. I wish I could meet her
54. I wouldn't ever say that out loud, cause that would hurt my mom's feelings
55. I don't know what kind of person I am
56. I don't really know what I want to accomplish with my life
57. I want to have a lot of kids
58. I still don't know what type of guy I prefer
59. I think if anything, it would be the needy guy
60. I have to go to a museum party
61. I have no idea what one does at a museum party
62. I'm scared of going because it breaks out of my comfort zone
63. I forgot to take my anxiety medication yesterday
64. I wish I could give birth to a child
65. Fat is what I see when I look in the mirror
66. I like making pancakes
67. I love ace venture pet dectective cause Jim Carey makes me laugh
68. i forget how to really laugh when my brother isn't around, when Terri isn't around
69. Living isn't simple in my mind
70. Dying isn't as easy as it look, I tried that

Breathing Down My Neck

Its that time again. The cool burns as you breathe hard, running to your final. 

It really is that time of year again. My hair is in a messy bun to be blunt. Eyes heavy with weight two decades older that my license states. Pillows surround me to keep me in a permanent sitting upright position. All to make sure that I can't, won't fall asleep. Time doesn't allow for that, when finals are breathing down your neck. 

In good conscience I should be studying right now. Three tests, and a couple of days to spare. I hope that's the way I continue to see. But knowing me the break down will happen in the eleventh hour. Then there will be nothing left to do but to cry, watching my world fall apart. 

Its what happens when finals are breathing down my neck. The paper of questions, takes on a life of its own. Demeaning, and questioning our existence in college; whether we really deserve to occupy the space in the class, in the world. And the seconding guessing comes really easy then. The flood of emotions and isolation sweeping over us, as we push ourselves. Trying to think confidently that we know the material, the we can pass, we can prove out professor wrong.

Its what happens when you have finals breathing down your neck. 

Its a lot harder

Knowing for a fact that I'm not ready. Knowing for a fact I'm bruised and broken. Understanding that I want to be fixed before I'm held. Knowing that my energy and my time is limited. Knowing that I can't make room, I can't make promises. Knowing that I'm just a shell. Knowing that I cling to the comfort of a book more than the arms of a man.

Knowing I can't...

I still want it at 1 am, when I can't sleep. I want to be comforted by the touch of another. I want to recognize that I stay still with someone. I want be intertwined and breathing slowly. I want to know that he won't slip through my fingers. 

Even when I have this tendency to push them into slipping. 

I want to be ready and I want to be sane. 

Knowing what it takes to be complete is a lot harder to me. 

Its a lot harder . 

To Do Lists

Today I had to add google calendar and my desktop calendar in aid to my schedule book I carry with me. It was a low point when paper To Do lists and scheduled plans in pen and paper were being lost. My friends forgotten in work that plagues, and numerous appointments forgotten among assignments. I've lost my way in judging what is sane and what isn't, when it comes to my scheduling. 15 minutes is enough time for lunch, and 10 minutes become enough time to walk across a campus 20 minutes long. All to keep it together, for the schedule.

Sitting here writing, I sometimes forget that I'm suppose to be gone already. Rushing off to the next thing that might keep me focused, that might keep me sane. The reasoning I guess for the combination of the calendars here on my desktop and in the world wider web. I'll never be able to forget, no matter the computer I'm at. For survival, if I'm not in my room, I'll log onto google before anything else. Keep the anxiety at bay. 

I'll still use my peaceful, but urgent green post-it notes. There is something that hangs in the balance by listing the things that need be done. Its paper I can hold and cross off. Its also determination to not loose this one piece of paper, and by doing so holding my day together. 

It's just one piece, one part. 

Me time.

I can't remember the last time that I slept in all honesty. Eyes close and I lay very still under covers wanting rest to come. In fact I wait for it very patiently, holding to pillows and willing it to come faster.

It never comes.

"You need to create more me time, Terra. That's the only way you will be able go through life," said Mom over tea and a roll.

It's the morning before Thanksgiving. My chief of a cousin looking over the two bacon covered turkeys in the kitchen. He is the last person in the world that I want to hear this conversation.

"Me time."

Not only does it sound pathetic but it sounds like something I deserve to be mocked for.
I'm going to get mocked for this.

Its 3 AM, and I curled into a ball. My gut is in a terrible amount of pain.
Then my phone rings. My best friend is lonely waiting by the computer for the long distance boyfriend to make contact.

We talk to comfort her.

The conference room's long table is the most intimidating. He talks to me not like I'm crazy or deserves a mental hospital. I more of a challenge.

He asks me why I work so hard. Why I have two jobs and two many classes.

Idol hands are the devil's playthings. Keep working and keep moving, don't think how much is spent away.

I'm more of a challenge to be made a person whole.
He tells me I'm going to have to make more alone time for myself.

I can't see alone time.

5 AM and I'm still curled into a pillow, waiting for sleep to come. It won't though. I'm missing out on too much. My eyes in a permanent red state, still looking out to the world.

"Me time"
It's worthless thing. It's unseen in this world.

Flip A Coin

Flip a coin, and try to decide.
On one side I've got my sleeping babe. She says everything I'm afraid to say. She knows everything that I've ever thought of. Even though we don't know everything. We trust each other most of the time to keep steady.

I think I'm depend on her.

She give me the daily smiles, and the frowns. She lets me know that its okay to feel lost.
She's lost too.

On the other side. The confident path I once traught. Their determined faces, was once my own. Now I'm lost in their plans. I love them. But Im not them any more. Even though they want me to stay. Even though I do stay.

So flip a coin. To find to I stay with either. To a live lost, until I'm ready. Or do I push to hard to break.

It's....

It's a 2x4 cell that lays out as an excuse for a lounge. It's 2:18 am. It's three first year college students working over calculus books. It's one college girl with a backwards sleep schedule. It's sitting here, awaken and now restless. It's just the way college go.

Weird sleep schedules, procrastination, restlessness, and aimlessness. It's trying to hard for body to keep with our brain that's trying to keep up with our professors. And we will continue to work to all hours with caffiene, cereal and friends with nudging elbows to keep us awake. It's the bartering of answers for favors, and just a few more minutes and maybe hours of sleep.

Our bodies stiff, eyes red, hands dirty with the filth of our academic pursuit. 

It's their first year, they don't know all they get at the end is a piece of paper. That and an awkward pat on the back from someone who haven't seen since Freshman convocation. 

Even for those that know, we're still sit here. Stiff, tired, and stressed. It's being stretched to the brink of humanity. It's the college way of life. 

And it doesn't play fair. 

100 Facts about Me RIGHT NOW!!!

1. My first name is Terra
2. I think its a really weird name
3. I only ate one meal today
4. And I got up at 3 am!!!
5. I got to hang out with my besties today!!!
6. Plus I got to bond with my mom
7. We saw the movie Twilight
8. I got a haircut today.
9. But my hair doesn't look any different
10. I love hair cuts
11. I wish I could dye my hair with some amber highlights
12. Now thinking about doing it when I go back to college
13. I don't want to go back to college
14. It makes me sleep deprived
    
15. I hate one of my jobs...alot
16. I'll be changing rooms in january
17. I madeout with one of my residents
18. and my boss doesn't know
19. I haven't had a boyfriend since freshman year of college
20. I love cuddling
21. I can't wait till classes are over
22. I'm never taking 17 credits ever again
23. I think my Journalism prof is hot!
24. Plus I know he is smart
25. I miss my brother
26. I hate that my mom cries whenever he isn't around
27. I hate my dad
28. I love my car
29. I really want a strawberry milkshake
30. I know its crazy cause its the dead of winter
31. I like Dunkin Donuts coffee over Starbucks
32. But I like Starbucks fancy drinks too
33. I read all the Twilight books in a week
34. I apologize a lot, even when its not my fault
35. I say thank you a lot, and that annoys my mom
36. I have worn glasses since the fifth grade
37. I love my glasses,
38. I don't care if my socks match
39. I hate tights
40. I love wearing dresses and skirts, especially if they are bohemian
41. I like talk to like Loreali Gilmore
42. I like to quote Gilmore Girls
43. My nickname is Cateyes
44. My mom likes to call me T. when she is rushing
45. My middle name is Mina (it means Mary in Dutch..I think)
46. I have dyed my hair black
47. I have had blonde hightlights
48. My favorite band is Switchfoot
49. Right now I'm hooked on Lenka
50. I like wearing heals
51. I know I'm too tall for heals
52. My eyes change color
53. My feet are really really big
54. My breasts are pretty big too
55. I can't wait to be pregnant
56. I just want to have a really good job before I do
57. I want to be published
58. I want to have a huge family.
59. Technically I have a high infertility rate.
60. I like long scarves
61. First snow is the best, and my favorite thing about winter
62. I miss the sun in the winter
63. Playing the piano makes me less stressed
64. I wrote this one original song, and now I'm trying to come up with lyrics
65. I love Annie and Lam more than my cousins/aunts/ dad/grandma
66. Pancakes make me smile
67. Banana pancakes with chocolate chips are my favorite
68. I only like NYC pizza
69. Boston is my favorite city
70. I would ever want the Boston accent
71. I find the country peaceful but lonely sometimes
72. I would rather live in a brownstone than a huge house
73. Unless the house was vitctorian style with a wrap around porch and a tower
74. I love my puppies
75. I can't sleep in a bed with any less than four pillows
76. I can't sleep in a big bed alone
77. I hate turning on my AC in the summer
78. I love catching lightening bugs
79. I ride my bike in ever type of weather, yes even snow
80. I only have my ears pierced
81. When I graduate college I want to get a Celtic tattoo
    
82. I want to see the world (especially Ireland and India and England)
83. I like foam bras over just cotton
84. Gin is my favorite card game, except for Uno
85. My Girl was my favorite movie when I was little
86. Annie was my favorite play
87. Harriet the Spy was were I got my first ambition to be a journalist
88. The movie started me writing in my journal describing everything
89. I like giving blood
90. My blood type is O-
91. I make the best homemade pizza on slices of bread in the toaster
92. I bit my lip when I'm nervous
93. I almost always am wearing my Celtic cross
94. I believe in God but I don't go to Church
95. When I put my hair in a ponytail it means I A) haven't showered or B) am in study mode
96. I get really cranky when I'm in serious study mode
97. Pretzels covered in Chocolate are my favorite Period food
98. I spend way too much time on the internet
99. I watch all my television on the internet
100. I didn't think I could make it to 100.
     

Giving Indigestion Thanks

Lets do the math: too much food plus too many family members and one bathroom. It would all seem grand, if it weren't for the fact that everyone becomes compacted by food, lack of car spaces, and lack of approriate elbow space at the table. You would think, "Oh family, they can master anything."
Something that is true in part. We can master sickness, babysitting, money problems, and even the occassional flat tire. In all of those cases, though, there is some problem that we ban together to defeat. But like the North and South colonies, once the war is over with the motherland we realize that we can't stand each other either. The lack of elbow space isn't going to help.
Praying for indigestion of the masses might though. It would sure as hell give us a reason to complain about a mutual thing, and thus just might keep the peace. So I will give thanks for indigestion, if I really get that lucky for its occurance. Although if you think about it, I'm just trying to save the holiday.
For Christmas, I got nothing but avoidance.

Wasting Away in Libraryville

So I'm typing and the keys are shining as much as a buttered corn on the comb, but I'm typing.
Its a true effort at this point, but it also indicates that I A) wrote two pieces about a bird and B) officially can't think of anything I want to write about at this time but C) am procrastinating continuing to study for my communication test tomorrow which I know means D) I can be truly pathetic.

Going to study now...promise

Can't wait to see Mom and such....Turkey day is going to be a mess though.
I miss Phil.
Again something that is really really pathetic.

Promise to walk away from the computer starting... now.

Thanks For Everything Phil

Everyone looked at me weird, as I continued to refer to the turkey coming in and out of the oven as Phil. The Hall Government president was convinced that I was no more weird than the 2 forties sitting inside the walls of his underage room. The Treasurer baking cookies and our favorite RHSA rep however was convinced that persecuting myself was indeed my plan. It wasn't.
The simply fact was that after about 1 hour and a half of thawing, washing, and gutting this thanksgiving bird I grew attached. It was one of those things that you raise your hands in a defeated sort of way to say, well I tried but I couldn't help. You could say there was something in him that caused a love hate relationship. His stubbornness of spreading his legs and my vigilance to the whole situation, that was the hate. The hate was also his heavy body in my frail and tired one at 9am, as I greased him and them placed him into the oven in a tin foil cocoon.
Then I went on to eat Phil. After seven hours , that was the love in the relationship. See Phil knew what I wanted. He knew what he had, and he knew I wanted it for me and the masses of residents lying up around the corner. The smart birds understand that concept even though, he didn't actually have a brain at the time I met him. It didn't really matter cause he just knew.
Which is probably why Hall gov was looking at me strange and Abby was telling me that I had caused more pain to myself than necessary. That was pure junk though. The truth is that Phil was a great bird, enjoyed my the masses. And my tummy didn't know the wiser.

Thanks for everything Phil

My Struggle With Phil

Raw skin iced to the touch. Pale white except for slight bruises.

Fatty in all the right places and stubborn to boot. 

Tied to me and yet unwilling to listen

Thawing his heart, hard as his liver. 

But I know his inside is filled with emptiness

I yearn to make him whole.

Though others don't wholly approve.

Then see him thaw

and fall open for me.

Its such a silly Turkey

Such a silly Phil

A Failure in a Week

So its been about a week since I've been here to write, a true demonstration to how much I'm struggling with myself. For a writer it should not be hard to come here and type something the streams out of me so simply. It should not, something I will repeat me make clear. However, I'm behind with everything you could imagine and in every way its my own fault.
I can't even attempt to reason with myself for finding another cause.
1 beat story late
1 communication paper late
1 test absent for (and while I seem like I can have a good reason, that was only fate's fortune cause
I really didn't study for it anyway)
and no ideas for my next beat story.....which the proposal is due on Thursday.
Its amazing to me how I haven't killed myself, or just the basic of actually pushing myself forward. I should try to get on top of things. Again I say, I should. Moving to do it is another story.

The goal is Communication paper get done tonight...since I have the extension till tomorrow at 9am. Then 2nd beat story on Tuesday finished and delivered before midnight. It will only mean 10 or 15 points off for lateness. I'll just make sure its perfect when I hand it in.

As for my French test, I shall plead with the gods.

High School Motivation, College Days Floating

High school is always about the competition, always about the fight to get ahead. Anyone that isn't on board with usually drowns when it comes to SATs and college applications. But for those that hold strong through the four years, and push themselves with college level classes and AP tests, they find it possible to dream on. Perfect college classes, perfect dorm with a somewhat perfect roommate, and evidentially perfect careers.
High school was that push off for me. I never worked as hard in school, and thought so solely on that goal in my whole life. Then my first acceptance letter became my only choice and my first roommate became my nightmare. Classes held up their potential even though I was stuck in a general education ditch till sophomore year, when my new roommate became my best friend/ mom on campus.
High was still the golden years and I was still pushing off into empty space. Then spring came with a new job that forced me to be grounded for those around me and a staff of six. It lasted too, till I found that I really couldn't be grounded enough for myself let alone them. Now its coming to the breath between semesters of junior year, and I'm tied to the ground by a cylinder block. The rest of me is floating off.
High school were the years I was sure. Falling to flight of my future wasn't even featured on the thought process list. Now certainty is seen as circumstantial, and being suck in space is the only thing that comes to be close to certain. Motivation lost along with every realization that perfect is nowhere close to being breathed into reality.
So where to go from here. Three semesters left praying for three genie wishes to start over, even though I wouldn't know where to start differently. Maybe, I would start at...
...high school.

History in the Making

In Five Days...
We have elected our First African American President
We have demonstrated that we want change for our government
We have rejoiced with tears and great salutations for the things to come.

In Five Days...
I have screamed at the top of my lungs
I have felt joy and relief in my life.
I have gotten sick, but felt well
I have wanted more that I can't have
and I have begun to understand that anything is possible,
one day at a time

CHEERS TO A CHANGE IN WASHINGTON, TO THE HOPE OF CHANGE

And so it begins...

....this daunting the burden that lay before me. To write everyday from November to the ring of the new year. Now don't remind me the three days of actually passed for me to uphold my promise. Lets just focus on the fruits of attempting at something glorious, and hopefully that will be enough for the common folk reading this.

So yes, except more:
insanity

drama

sleep derivation

fingers on speed

anxiety

emotional upheavals

delusions

.................................and some plain mac and cheese over the coming months.


peace out...more to come

Trouble Nesting

The November December Challenge

I have decreed that in order to make up for lost time and lost writing, that November shall be the month of a return to the blog-sphere. Now, typically I write everyday anyway. Its the sharing with the world wide web that I have a problem with.

Well HEAR HE HEAR HE. The problem shall me no longer. Starting November 1st I will write every day until the New Year. Its a pack of large proportions. Maybe it will even force me to start the new year off right (which probably is wishful thinking.). 

Anyway cheers to two months of my empty brain across computer screens world wide. 

Could it get any more exciting?

(possible with the opening of Harry potter world. Oh don't even say its wrong, you know you want to fly a broom)

Peace out

Reasons for not posting

Not posting has been my latest tragedy.

Count it up and add in lines.

 

Things pile up and this seems like the simplest. 

Simplest addition in the row with complicated numbers. 

Try to cut it down 

to bare bottom

but it grows just the same. 

So procrastinate 

against better judgement. 

And end up flailing 

for higher ground 

but sinking just the same. 

ALL THAT JAZZ

Every open door is a mess of guitar hero, Nintendo 64, and a mess of rejected clothes. Coming home initially isn't an open demonstration of living the high life on a college campus. Its more like an open statement, "We are men, we are popular, get used to it."
       Just thank god, that them being underage (mostly) means the hallway doesn't smell like the floor of TKE, and that the somewhat snotty attitude of Long Island hasn't corrupted them. They are willing to joke about a deceased Alfred, have wall drumming wars, and find my cooking agreeable. It all really amazes me. And while the train their fingers on Smash Mario Brothers, shout over the Superbowl, and keep me an insomniac at 4 am cause I unnaturally worry they are honestly good.
      I was told to worry, and to save write ups in my room cause I would need them. In reality its just like a class of crazy kids that need an equal amount genuine understanding, and discipline with some honest respect.
     And to be honest I would rather walk around the hallway in the evenings and hear their rantings in the lounge, and the girls off pitch singing to hear the sound of death. Disney and Mario are better than death.
         So I shall throw away my extra reports, except on rare occasions, and continuously hope they don't bring the booze home. If not, then we will cross that bridge when we get to it.